Do what you know

This blog has sat dormant for more months than I'd like to admit. There are multiple reasons, I suspect. Having young children. Buying my first home. Accepting a job promotion. Running a (very) small business. My husband applying for graduate programs and eventually deciding to start nursing school. But probably the biggest reason, I'd say, is because I've been depressed.

 

It's weird for me to type that. It's weird for me to experience it, really. I've had an optimistic, cheerful outlook for most of my life. I've been an advocate for happiness. For sunshine. For positivity and joy. To feel the darkness of reality creeping in and settling in my heart has been and continues to be disturbing for me. I don't have full-blown Major Depressive Disorder, as far as I can self-diagnose from studying the DSM-5. But I do have some marked symptoms: feelings of emptiness and hopelessness, unexplained tearfulness, diminished interest in activities that used to bring fulfillment (ie. blogging, scrapbooking, journaling), restlessness at bedtime, energy loss, and excessive, irrational guilt. I am anxious a lot about things I have no control over. It is difficult and I've been putting off addressing it because the idea of addressing it makes me even more anxious. But, then. . . I went skiing.

"The stuff dreams are made of."

I've been feeling all kinds of mom guilt that I haven't given our new baby a proper introduction on the blog. How has he already been around for a whole month?!

Rhett Austin Knowlden was born on August 13, 2015 (7 lbs, 11 oz; 18 inches long). His entrance into the world didn't go anything like we had planned or hoped, but he made it here safely in the wee morning hours via C-section. We are grateful. 

I love this shot of us from our stay at the hospital. I look tired, but happy. Isn't that motherhood? It's draining work- changing, nursing, cuddling, crying, bathing, pacing, lifting, packing, folding, cleaning, loving. There have definitely been hard postpartum days where the tasks of parenthood seem overwhelming and annoying, but I'm trying so hard to cultivate a spirit of thankfulness and peace in my heart. Babies don't keep, you know? He's already so much more plump and squishy than he was when he got here!

The other night JD was able to get both sleeping kids out of their car seats and carried them inside (one on each shoulder) without waking them. I complimented him on his impressive Dad skills and he responded, "this is the stuff dreams are made of." He didn't want to lay them down and just soaked in their quiet goodness.

I've been thinking a lot about that phrase lately: "the stuff dreams are made of." I dreamed and planned and hoped for this stage in my life. . . my goal is to be present, grounded and grateful rather than frazzled, hurried, and resentful. 

Thank you, my little Tenley Mae and sweet baby Rhett, for refining me. You two, in so many ways, are making my dreams come true. 

Life right now

We took a spontaneous trip to California last weekend to visit friends. Two days of driving + three days of vacation. Grateful for a husband who encourages me to move a little outside my comfort zone. I'm not sure I would've chosen to road-trip at 34 weeks pregnant, but the sunshine and ocean were good for me. One day, JD dug a deep hole in the sand for my belly and I was able to nap on my stomach (oh, what a luxury!).

Life right now:

JD // Just finished his Organic Chemistry class. Pulled off a C+ (he needed at least a C).  So thankful it's over! Teaching tennis lessons two days/week. Loving the change of pace of working on a new floor at the hospital. Preparing to submit PA school applications (third time's the charm, right?!) Reminding Summer to take pre-natal vitamins and rub Bio-Oil on her belly. Cleaning all the screens for The Sunshine Space. Doing most of the kitchen chores (dishes, sweeping, mopping).

Summer// Trying to figure out how to manage t-shirt orders and inventory for the shop. Complaining about back pain on a regular basis. Making to-do lists for the next month before baby #2 arrives. Stressing about not being at brother's wedding in August. Preparing Sunday lesson to teach to women's group at church. Folding laundry. Trying to manage normal work schedule with an oversized, tired body. Feeling bittersweet about Tenley growing up.

Five reasons I'm a better person because I've worked in Residential Treatment

I've had some thoughts floating around in my head for the past few weeks and I just want to get them written down before my pregnant brain allows them to vanish forever. I am SO, SO grateful for my experiences working at a Residential Treatment Center (RTC).  Just as a little background for those of you who don't totally know what an RTC is: RTCs are basically live-in health care facilities where teenagers come to live, go to school, and receive intensive therapeutic services. The place I work is a lock-down setting (I've also worked in a less intense therapeutic boarding school). The center I'm at now provides treatment for adolescents with lots of different issues. . . oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, depression and suicidal ideation, reactive attachment disorder, bipolar disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, educational issues and histories of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. There's always a lot going on with these kids! I'm a recreational therapist and currently work primarily with 15 to 17-year old boys with behavioral misconduct issues. I think I'm a better person because of the time I've spent with them. Here's why.

She's Watching.

A few weeks ago, we brought our camera outside because JD wanted to snap a few pictures of me with my pregnant belly. As he was doing this, Tenley became fascinated with the camera and wanted to try taking a few photos of her own. JD taught her how to hold the big device in her little hands and showed her what button to push. She was thoroughly entertained by the activity, directing us where to sit and when to say "Cheese!" These pictures are the result. They are blurry, off-centered, and unedited. But they're so endearing to me because they're what Tenley sees when she's watching us. I love that. 

Talks with Ten

Tenley is so expressive with her words lately and we are constantly surprised and entertained by the thoughts she shares. Here's a few snippets of our talks with Ten.

(Snuggling in my bed shortly after I returned from work one day last week).

T: Mmm... it smells like you.

Me: Oh, really? What do I smell like?

T: Um, I think kind of like a girl.

Party of Four

It's been a long, exhausting journey to get to this exciting announcement: our family is growing! After a year and a half of trying to get pregnant and eventually some infertility treatment, it finally happened. The fact that our little one is due on our anniversary (August 14) doesn't seem like a coincidence to me. It feels like a tender mercy from our Father in Heaven, a reminder that He knows us, loves us, and wants us to trust His timing over our own. 

So, let's celebrate! JD, Tenley, and I will soon be a party of four!

Tidbits from Tenley

Tenley's vocabulary seems to be expanding daily. We are so entertained, inspired, and surprised by the things she says. Wanted to record a few things to remember.

Right now.

I am so anxious for the next big thing. For another baby. For JD to get into PA school. For our first house. It's hard for me to stay grounded. To be here. To love the stage we're in RIGHT NOW. 

It's a work in progress, but I am grateful for today. Today, we have a dishwasher (a luxury I was dreaming of just a few months ago). Today, we both have jobs we really enjoy. Today, we don't have the stress of going to school. Today, we made a really yummy dinner (homemade bread+pasta+broccoli). Today, we played with our spunky two-year-old at a trampoline warehouse. Today, we live close to family and get to see them weekly. Today, we filled our fridge with groceries. Today, we prayed together and Tenley repeated the words. Today is good. 

It's sweet again.

It's been two months since I lasted posted on this blog. The days pass so quickly! I can't believe how the seasons fade into each other and then, without me even noticing, the years change. Time slips through my grasp and I have a hard time orienting myself. I feel like I'm a brand-new mom. . . and I'd say, in some respects, I still am. However, I've had a little human in my care for two years now. What a remarkable, hard, patience-testing, joyful, tiring, happy struggle-blessing! (Haha- clearly parenthood is hard to describe).

First funnel cake

I love summer in Utah. When the sun sets, the air cools down and it's magic. Last month, we went to a local city festival with JD's parents and little brother. We mostly just wandered around the booths and people watched in anticipation of the fireworks. Then, out of nowhere, I smelled the intense aroma of funnel cake and my mind whisked me back to a good ol' Texas rodeo. I love me a good funnel cake! I mentioned how sweet and delicious the air smelled and how much I enjoy those tasty treats. . . and was surprised to find out no one in JD's family (including him) had ever tried one. Well, that was that: FIRST FUNNEL CAKE ALL AROUND. 

Tenley, lately.

Tenley is at the cutest stage right now. She's learning how to say words and picks up on so many everyday happenings going on around her. She love, love, loves giving hugs, squeezes, kisses, high-fives, and fist-bumps.  She keeps us entertained all the time and we're so glad to have her in our family!

Here's a few examples of the adorable things she's been doing and saying lately. . .

Waterpark Wednesday

We took our first trip to Seven Peaks yesterday! It was only open for a few hours in the afternoon because it's not quite summer yet for the school-aged children. It was also a little overcast so that probably contributed to the smaller crowd as well. We hung out in the lazy river, jumped a few waves in the wave pool and even took Tenley in our laps down some of the bigger slides. It was wonderful to walk right up and get on! We thought Ten would be excited and playful, but she had a flat affect pretty much the whole time. She wasn't scared or unhappy; she was just calm and quiet. I wanted to get a few pictures before we went into the park, but Tenley wasn't in the mood. 

Haha, the picture on the left is such a "Tenley face." Whenever she doesn't want to do something or is reluctant to listen, she turns her head away in an almost bashful manner. It is too funny. I don't know where she learned this, but it is a predictable mannerism during teeth brushing, diaper changing, and car-seat buckling. 

Baby chicks.

My in-laws are the biggest animal lovers I know. They've had nearly every animal you can think of as a house pet (. . .okay, maybe not every animal). But currently, they have a few chickens residing in their backyard and we sure do love those fresh eggs!! A few days before Easter, the Knowldens got a few new baby chicks. Oh my adorable! Tenley had no idea what to think of those little chicks. She wanted to touch and hold them, but was terrified when they moved or pecked at her fingers. Haha, serious cuteness overload.

5 "Baby booty bump" Lessons

The last few weeks have been a little surreal. On Sunday April 27, I entered an Instagram dance-off for moms hosted by The Alison Show in hopes of winning a $250 gift card to The Land of Nod. I had two entries: (1) the original clip of me dancing and (2) an "outtake" clip of me dancing and knocking my daughter to the ground with my bum. The latter clip was hilariously accidental and just too funny not to share. On Monday April 28, I sheepishly posted it to Facebook knowing it would surely brighten a few peoples' days. The response was overwhelmingly positive and many people shared, liked, and laughed at the video. I posted it on YouTube that night and sent it to The Ellen Degeneres Show via her website. On Tuesday April 29, I woke up with 700 views on YouTube and thought: "That's crazy! So cool." By the time I went to bed, I had 14,890 hits and I thought: "How did that happen?!" In the first 24 hours, I was contacted by several agencies asking for the rights to the video, but I ended up partnering with Storyful. And, boy, am I glad I did! Over the next few days, SO MANY people e-mailed, called, and messaged me about use of the video and I just directed everyone to Storyful. It has been such a blessing to delegate all that stress and headache to them. By Thursday May 1, my "baby booty bump" video hit one million views and had been shared by countless news and radio stations across the country. It was all over the Internet and television: CNN, The Today Show, E! News, ESPN2, the iFunny app, AOL, Time. You name it: I was probably there. It was totally overwhelming and time-consuming to keep up with all the hype! On Wednesday May 7, I was in the audience of The Ellen Degeneres Show and had to pinch myself as I heard Ellen discuss the powerful "thrust to my daughter's face." On May 8, my little snippet aired on Ellen. As of today, May 13, the video has 2,350,583 views on YouTube. I still can't believe it.

I've learned a lot from having my video "go viral." Some things are personal and/or confidential, but here's what I want the world to know.

No more gummy grins (and giraffes!)

It freaks me out a little that Tenley is an active toddler, and not the teeny, snuggley baby I once knew. I practically feel like I'm meeting a whole new person every day! She has such a spirited personality and I'm impressed by the things I observe her doing all the time. She's learning a lot of skills that make her seem old to me: feeding herself with utensils, drinking out of cups, climbing up and down furniture and stairs, following my directions, babbling back and forth with me, figuring out the DVD player, hiding, and helping put her clothes on and take them off. However, one of the most obvious reminders to me that she's a big girl now is her toothy smile. Teeth! This girl has teeth! 

Miss Independent wanted me

Tenley has been such a stinker lately about doing things HER way. If I try to give her a bite of food from a fork, she'll push it away. . . but if I let her eat it with her hands, she'll gobble it up. If I try to read her a book, she'll throw it. . . but if she can hold it herself and turn the pages, she'll look at it for several minutes. If I try to give her kisses, she'll turn and thrash her head. . . but if she decides she's in the mood, she'll give tons of slobbery smooches. Basically, she likes to do things on her own or as she pleases. And sometimes she acts like she doesn't want me- rude!

On a family outing recently, Tenley changed her mind. 

Traditions

Thanksgiving was hard this year. I'm usually not very bothered about being away from my family on Turkey Day because I know Christmas is right around the corner and I'll get to be with them then. Also, spending time with JD helps ease the pain of being separated from my loved ones in Texas. But, this year JD worked all day and Lindsey was in Utah with me so I think some of her longing for home rubbed off on me. On the night before Thanksgiving, Lindsey, JD, and I watched For Love of the Game (one of my Dad's favorites) on Netflix. The movie is a tear-jerker for sure, but Lindsey and I didn't really lose it until the credits started rolling and we remembered how much we missed Dad. We just lay on the floor and cried. (Confession: I had to Google the proper present/past tense of lay/lie. It's confusing and I'm pretty sure I misuse those words a lot. Embarrassing!)  Needless to say, I'm so grateful we have modern technology to keep connected!

Despite missing my family of origin, I find a lot of joy in the multi-step process of creating my own little family.  One way JD and I are doing that is by integrating his family traditions with mine. Right now, I'm reading a book about being intentional with how you spend your time with your family. I've been thinking a lot about how I can apply some of the author's ideas in my life. One thing I want my children to know is how much JD and I cherish our families. I want them to love both families equally and know how much we honor and respect them. Whenever we decorate our Christmas tree, I am intentionally going to take the opportunity to talk about our families.

Gay, innocent, and heartless.

I mentioned before that I recently read J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan. The characters must have been on my mind a lot because they seemed like the only suitable thing we could be for Halloween. With less coaxing than I first anticipated I would need, I easily convinced JD to don green tights as part of his Peter costume (he loves Halloween. . .) And then, obviously, Tenley was Tinkerbell and I was Wendy. 

Here's a few darling pictures paired with some of my favorite quotes from the book. 

(Sorry the photos are terribly grainy and low quality. I can't seem to figure out why!)

"When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies." -Peter

 "A cradle is such a nice homely thing to have about a house." -Wendy

"There is nothing more pleasant of an evening for you and me when the day's toil is over than to rest by the fire with the little ones near by." -Peter to Wendy

10 Things Right Now | Summer

1. I've been reading the original Peter Pan for several weeks, but keep forgetting about it. Every time I spend a few minutes in the pages of Neverland, I'm filled with childlike wonder and awe. It really is magic. I'm going to finish the book this week. 

2. I haven't scrapbooked in months. This is very unlike me and I miss the creative outlet terribly. Each week, I have good intentions of getting some pages done. . . but then scrapping seems to repeatedly fall to the bottom of my "to-do list."

3. A lot of things seem to keep falling to the bottom of that list (not to mention just dropping off completely. . .) Mostly, I've just been playing and snuggling with my little one because I know someday I'll miss these days terribly. I sometimes use "cuddling time" as an excuse not to get anything else done ;) 

4. I wear the charm bracelet JD got me for my birthday/our anniversary almost daily. I love it.

5. Whenever I'm in Provo for BYU games or sister visits, I long to be back. I miss being a student. But when I think about the situation logically, I realize I'm older than most people on campus and it's okay for that chapter of my life to be over. It's simultaneously heartbreaking and thrilling. 

6. I really enjoy watching college football. 

7. JD recently convinced me to invest in the Adobe Creative Suite 6. I am both intimidated and excited by the thought of learning how to use all this new design software.

8. I recently re-discovered how much I enjoy Hershey's cookies-and-cream chocolate bars.

9. It's hard to believe my little brother returns home from his two-year church service mission this week. Argentina was lucky to have him, but we're so excited to get him back!

10. I started feeling really yucky on Friday night. When I woke up on Saturday, I could hardly move I felt so terrible. JD had been looking forward to camping all week and I didn't want to rain on his parade so we decided to go anyway. I was a little nervous, but it ended up being a very good decision. I just took it easy while JD did all the work of preparing food and managing camping gear. . . and somehow the fresh air and smell of the wild cured me. On Sunday, I was totally back to normal!

 (This picture is so funny to me! Gotta love that wild bed-head camping hair.)