Love and Light

Years ago, when I was choosing a name for my business, I was drawn to the alliteration of "The Sunshine Space" and the catchy association my name had to that title. It felt right. I was aiming to create joyful, playful home decor pieces and the word "sunshine" seemed to fit my vibe. I kept the name when I started screen-printing because my goal with clothing design was the same as my aim with decor design: make stuff that's uplifting & "feel-goody." I re-branded this blog with the intention of creating a s u n s h i n e space on the internet-  a bright site with beautiful pictures, happy moments, inspiring DIY and craft projects, and messages orienting readers to the Ultimate Source of light, our Savior. 

. . . But it fizzled. For the past few years, I've carried a certain level of guilt regarding my "business" and my "blog." My brain rattled with all kinds of thoughts in connection to The Sunshine Space. 

What's the point? I haven't been actively engaged in building my brand, sharing my message, or creating anything for months and months on end. It's too hard. Too time-consuming. Too stressful. Too much. I don't feel like the reward in the creation process outweighs the stress of making perfect items to sell. There is no joy in this. I don't know what to say on the blog. I haven't been taking enough pictures. I don't know how to brand my items. How should my shop be connected to my blog? Does it make sense to do it all under the umbrella of "The Sunshine Space"? I don't like the style of the shirts I ordered. Dang it. I've made so many mistakes. I should cut my losses, sell my equipment, stop. But what about the parts I do love? Designing, drawing, composing. Sharing messages of hope. Creating good and beautiful things- physical items, words and sentences, feelings. Why did I have such a pull towards "The Sunshine Space" in the first place? How can I add light to the world? What is my purpose? What fuels me? What's the point?

And on and on. Then, one day earlier this year, I was sitting in a downstairs room of my basement- the room I go to ponder, to read, to make things, to display my scrapbooks, to journal- and a thought came. "This is The Sunshine Space," uttered the Spirit. This? This room? The window of the room faces the south side of my home and is an awesome source of light. There are no window treatments on that particular window, so the sunlight just spills in. It is a sunshine space. But The Sunshine Space? What does that mean? And all of a sudden, peace and understanding split open across my heart.

It was time to register Tenley for kindergarten and I just hadn't been able to bring myself to do it. I'd been considering the possibility of homeschooling. Starting to pray about whether that could be a viable option for my children, for me. Intimidated by the thought of it, but intrigued. Almost too timid to openly discuss it, to say the words aloud. Unaware of all the options, but open-minded. Interested. Searching. "This is The Sunshine Space," again.

Oh! A place of love and light. This is The Sunshine Space, the school. The haven for learning, the safe space I want to cultivate for my children.  A place to develop creativity, gratitude, critical thinking, curiosity, a love of learning, optimism, perseverance, kindness. A place to seek further light and knowledge. A place for sharing, loving, and learning. Together. The Sunshine Space. 

And that is how I came to feel such a renewed zeal for building The Sunshine Space. All these years of working and creating and seeking meaning and planning. . . they were preparing me for the path I can see unfolding before me now: homeschooling. I want to create channels of love and light- of hope, joy, testimony. I want to share goodness, to make beautiful things, to find understanding. But the place I start is home. The most essential sphere of influence I have is with my children. I can start here. I can do this.

I am excited (and terrified!) to share my homeschool journey here and I hope to support and encourage other Mommas on the way.

Love and light,
Summer

Five reasons I'm a better person because I've worked in Residential Treatment

I've had some thoughts floating around in my head for the past few weeks and I just want to get them written down before my pregnant brain allows them to vanish forever. I am SO, SO grateful for my experiences working at a Residential Treatment Center (RTC).  Just as a little background for those of you who don't totally know what an RTC is: RTCs are basically live-in health care facilities where teenagers come to live, go to school, and receive intensive therapeutic services. The place I work is a lock-down setting (I've also worked in a less intense therapeutic boarding school). The center I'm at now provides treatment for adolescents with lots of different issues. . . oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, depression and suicidal ideation, reactive attachment disorder, bipolar disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, educational issues and histories of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. There's always a lot going on with these kids! I'm a recreational therapist and currently work primarily with 15 to 17-year old boys with behavioral misconduct issues. I think I'm a better person because of the time I've spent with them. Here's why.

She's Watching.

A few weeks ago, we brought our camera outside because JD wanted to snap a few pictures of me with my pregnant belly. As he was doing this, Tenley became fascinated with the camera and wanted to try taking a few photos of her own. JD taught her how to hold the big device in her little hands and showed her what button to push. She was thoroughly entertained by the activity, directing us where to sit and when to say "Cheese!" These pictures are the result. They are blurry, off-centered, and unedited. But they're so endearing to me because they're what Tenley sees when she's watching us. I love that. 

Talks with Ten

Tenley is so expressive with her words lately and we are constantly surprised and entertained by the thoughts she shares. Here's a few snippets of our talks with Ten.

(Snuggling in my bed shortly after I returned from work one day last week).

T: Mmm... it smells like you.

Me: Oh, really? What do I smell like?

T: Um, I think kind of like a girl.

It's sweet again.

It's been two months since I lasted posted on this blog. The days pass so quickly! I can't believe how the seasons fade into each other and then, without me even noticing, the years change. Time slips through my grasp and I have a hard time orienting myself. I feel like I'm a brand-new mom. . . and I'd say, in some respects, I still am. However, I've had a little human in my care for two years now. What a remarkable, hard, patience-testing, joyful, tiring, happy struggle-blessing! (Haha- clearly parenthood is hard to describe).

5 "Baby booty bump" Lessons

The last few weeks have been a little surreal. On Sunday April 27, I entered an Instagram dance-off for moms hosted by The Alison Show in hopes of winning a $250 gift card to The Land of Nod. I had two entries: (1) the original clip of me dancing and (2) an "outtake" clip of me dancing and knocking my daughter to the ground with my bum. The latter clip was hilariously accidental and just too funny not to share. On Monday April 28, I sheepishly posted it to Facebook knowing it would surely brighten a few peoples' days. The response was overwhelmingly positive and many people shared, liked, and laughed at the video. I posted it on YouTube that night and sent it to The Ellen Degeneres Show via her website. On Tuesday April 29, I woke up with 700 views on YouTube and thought: "That's crazy! So cool." By the time I went to bed, I had 14,890 hits and I thought: "How did that happen?!" In the first 24 hours, I was contacted by several agencies asking for the rights to the video, but I ended up partnering with Storyful. And, boy, am I glad I did! Over the next few days, SO MANY people e-mailed, called, and messaged me about use of the video and I just directed everyone to Storyful. It has been such a blessing to delegate all that stress and headache to them. By Thursday May 1, my "baby booty bump" video hit one million views and had been shared by countless news and radio stations across the country. It was all over the Internet and television: CNN, The Today Show, E! News, ESPN2, the iFunny app, AOL, Time. You name it: I was probably there. It was totally overwhelming and time-consuming to keep up with all the hype! On Wednesday May 7, I was in the audience of The Ellen Degeneres Show and had to pinch myself as I heard Ellen discuss the powerful "thrust to my daughter's face." On May 8, my little snippet aired on Ellen. As of today, May 13, the video has 2,350,583 views on YouTube. I still can't believe it.

I've learned a lot from having my video "go viral." Some things are personal and/or confidential, but here's what I want the world to know.

Creativity.

Random ramblings of the evening:

Creativity isn't just painting or sculpting or composing or designing or drawing or making. To me, creativity means creating something- anything- that wasn't there before.  It's figuring out how to arrange your canned goods in a cabinet to make it more functional. It's coming up with something for dinner using only ingredients you have on hand. It's finding motivation to exercise when you aren't in the mood. Every person is creative in how they think, behave and respond to life situations. Please don't say "you aren't a creative person". . . because I guarantee, in one way or another, you are!! 

PS. Creativity could even be discovering how to eat a banana ;)

Some thoughts on beauty.

My dearest Tenley,

I feel like the easiest platform to communicate my thoughts right now is in a letter intended for you. Of course, you can't read it right now. . . but I hope someday you will. 

When I was in high school, I knew a handful of girls who struggled with eating disorders and had other body image issues. My heart hurt for them as they battled with the defeating thoughts Satan planted in their minds. I, myself, sometimes went through phases when I had obsessive ideas of how to look skinny and pretty (in fact, I still go through those cycles sometimes!) 

Week in the Life: Tuesday

My days look a little different every day because some days I work (I'm a recreational therapist at a residential treatment center for teenagers). It sure keeps things interesting! Here's a recap of my Tuesday September 10, 2013.  PS. I talked about the "Week in the Life" project here.

Last December.

I journaled this last December:

Dear little one,

Hopefully this is our last Christmas without you. We think about you often. Daddy tells me all the time how much he wants you here with us. I think he knows I want you too. . . I'm just so fearful. Motherhood seems so big and scary sometimes. But God keeps whispering to me that I'm ready. I do the dishes and imagine you playing at my feet. I go to the grocery store and think of meals you may like one day. I make stuff and plan in my head how I'll do kid-friendly crafts someday. When Dad and I are out and about or doing our thing at home, I think of ways we'll make it work when you get here. Before I make purchases, I think, "Should I save this money for our baby?" We don't have a lot, but we are blessed beyond measure with the love of our little family and the sweet peace the Gospel brings. When you get here, I think our hearts may burst with joy! We are praying for and thinking of and loving you. Send us love from Heaven! 

Merry Christmas, 

Momma

Feeling so grateful tonight to have our angel baby here with us this Christmas season.

Commit.

I've read on blogs and books and other places I can't recall right now about the idea of choosing one word to focus on in a year. It's supposed to be like a personal mantra to help you re-direct your life when things get crazy and help keep you grounded when you need to find focus. I've heard word choices like simplify, joy, praise. . . those are pretty self-explanatory. I've also heard less ordinary ones like hokey pokey. . . which for the lady who chose it means letting go of perfection, learning to dance through life's storms, and laughing more. I like this idea of one little word to focus on and remember and I've been thinking for a few weeks about a word that would be suitable for my goals and needs in 2012.

My word this year is commit.

Commit to reading my scriptures daily. Commit to working out when I say I'm going to in my head. Commit to getting on my knees for prayer when my eyes are heavy and my body is weak. Commit to cooking at least one meal a week. Commit to recording more of my feelings in my journal. Less good thoughts, more committed actions. 

I'm trying to keep it simple. If I think to do something worthwhile or important, I want to commit to myself and my God that I'll just do it.

Bring it on 2012, I'm ready!

Twin souls.

"It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning."

-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

I read this description of love today. I'm not so sure there's only one someone for every someone out there, but I do think there's a very certain feeling you get when you meet your spouse: the "I think I'm more compatible with you than anyone I've ever met" feeling. Just weeks after I met JD, I was driving home with a friend after hanging out with him and his buddies and I verbalized what I'd been feeling for days, "I am going to marry him." I was in the passenger seat and she laughed with surprise.

Her: "Do you really think so?"

Me: "I haven't said that out loud yet."

Her: "Do you really think so?"

Me: "It's so weird. I'm so confused. But I really think so."

Her: "Wow."

Me: "Yeah, I know. Am I crazy?"

Her: "It's not crazy if it's what you feel."

And I pretty much felt it then, but fought it for a few months. Although I was so stressed and it was so hard at the time, it seems almost comical to me now how much my heart and head fought. My heart was right and I should've known.

The connection I have with JD now really is a beautiful thing. I'm grateful for the life we've created together. I read the description, "twin soul," (in the excerpt above) and couldn't think of better words to describe our relationship. It's like we're the same now. So much of who we are, and how we act, and what we say is intertwined.

We're twin souls, and I kind of really like it.

Creative inspiration.

29 WAYS TO STAY CREATIVE from TO-FU on Vimeo.

Ollin.

Do you ever read words placed side by side in such a perfect combination that your heart almost sings? Or have you ever learned or remembered a single word that makes you want to be better?

For weeks, this word has been dancing in my brain: ollin. It's a word the ancient Aztecs used to describe an earthquake or great storm powerful enough to shake the earth. It's used to communicate intense and immediate movement. Ollin originates from yollotl, meaning heart, and yolistli, meaning life. The word literally means to move and act now with all your heart. It means to follow your path in life wholeheartedly. The Aztecs knew- when an earthquake hits, you have to move now.

I feel as though I've been stagnant the last few months. I'm not living my life whole-heartedly. I'm mostly just going through the motions. I'm challenging myself, and you, to live with more intention. Do your every day things with full purpose of heart. Go all in and live ollin.

Only Happiness?

Sometimes I feel like posting without pictures is lame, but today all I have is words. I started reading a book this evening my mother-in-law gave to me months ago called Aspire: Discovering Your Purpose Through the Power of Words. It's moving and powerful and has already got me thinking about how much influence words have. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the idea of being a licensed therapist in just a weeks' time and needing to know all the right words to say at all the right times. I'm also worried (because I'm a talker and sometimes say too many words) that I won't allow patients the opportunity to find their own words and be able to process through hard things. Sometimes I want happiness so badly for the girls I work with (and for myself) that I push away sadness and pain and hurt and anger and fear. While helping my husband write his research paper on motivation tonight, I ran across this quote from a book I read in one of my recreation classes:

When people want only happiness, they can actually undermine their own development because their quest for happiness can lead them to suppress other aspects of their experience. Wanting to be happy can lead people to avoid it (i.e.suppress) sadness when a loved one dies, or to avoid fear in the face of peril. The true meaning of being alive is not just to feel happy, but to experience the full range of human emotions.

-Edward L. Deci, Why We Do What We Do: Understaninding Self-Motivation

I remember reading this a few years ago and feeling touched by the sentiment. Tonight, again, it spoke to me. Even though being stressed, anxious, or sad isn't always wonderful, I am grateful for the opportunity to live. To experience. To understand.

Thank goodness Heavenly Father knows we wouldn't learn happiness just by being happy. I'm so glad He's in control, and not me.

Words.

When I was in middle school, I wrote a lot of poems. I loved words. I compiled a book of my poems to give to my best friends as a Christmas gift (which looking back now, seems so dorky and weird. . .) I like writing. I love reading. I love quotes that move me, words that inspire me, phrases that touch me. The scriptures are particularly powerful, especially when I read with a real desire to learn.

Words are always floating around in my brain. Sentences, thoughts, memories, dreams, expectations, regrets, ideas, research, to-dos, worries, miss-yous, emotions, concern, love. Today I briefly visited a quote website I used to browse regularly. I read this:

"Stop worrying about the could haves. If it should have, it would have." - Anonymous

Wise words. Comforting words.

Now. . . be still, my sweet scatterbrain.

Thoughts.

I never knew I liked cherries before I tried them this summer. My toes are usually painted some shade of pink. I paid $10.75 to see a movie this weekend. I want Cafe Rio. It freaks me out my brother is going to college. I'm having a hard time imagining my future. Half my heart's in Texas. Half's in Utah. I like country music. Sometimes when I play basketball with my husband, I surprise him with 3-pointers out of nowhere. I like when that happens. I'm not as good at Scrabble as I thought I was. I want a sewing machine. I like watermelon. I'd like to try a new recipe sometime soon. I feel tired. I might want to do graduate school. Psychology is interesting. If I was Ali on The Bachelorette, I'm not sure what I would do or who I would choose. I would like to go to California. I miss my extended family. My thoughts are scattered. JD's parents will be here tomorrow.

Dear little ones,

I can't wait for you to be part of our family, but I still need some time. When your dad and I were first talking about getting married and starting a new life, I was worried about lots of things. I was worried because I'm not a very good cook. I hope by the time you're here I'll have had enough practice that I won't be so bad. I was worried about chores, and bills, and taxes, and life... and I wasn't sure if I could do it. It's been almost a year now and lots of things worry me, but I don't get as stressed because Daddy balances me out and keeps me sane.

I think often of what our life will be like and I'm excited. I'm excited to tickle your toes and give you butterfly kisses. I'm excited to practice your reading and listen to the stories you come up with in your head. Let's make stories up together. I'm excited to take you to the park and to the fair and to the pool.

I'm excited to bake cookies and eat watermelon from the rind. I hope we live in Texas, and you love the heat and the sun and the southern manners as much as I do. And if we don't live there, I hope there's a place for it in your heart. I hope you guys get a long enough to endure car rides and road trips and we can have (mostly) pleasant travel memories.

I'm excited to teach you about the Savior and to hear your little prayers. I'm excited to watch you grow in your understanding and love for the Gospel. I'm excited to see the sacrifices you are willing to make to hold true to your standards. Don't be mad when I want you to choose a modest prom dress and I won't let you buy a string bikini. I hope your teenage friends like to hang out at our house. I hope we throw parties and you like having neighbors and friends over as much as Dad and I do.

I hope you push hard at whatever you do. I hope you are strong and you work hard. I hope you pursue things that make you happy. I hope you don't give up when you want to stop. I hope you don't get embarrassed by your obnoxious mother on the sidelines. I hope you like football. I hope you are healthy and you care about what goes into your body.

Dearest kiddos, there is so much joy I see in the future. But right now I'm not the best mom I can be, and I'm not quite ready. I need to work on improving my habits and my life right now. I need to make time for meaningful scripture study every day. I need to exercise because I want to be around for a long, long time. I want to learn how to sew and make things with my own two hands. I also want a little time to work as a recreation therapist. I know the things I'm learning in school will help me in the relationships I have with you. I want to help people... I hope that rubs off on you a little. I feel like I need to run my life a little better than I am right now before you get here. But just so you know, I think about you all the time. Sometimes when I see other peoples' babies, I get really anxious about having you all to myself. But for now, you'll have to keep waiting patiently. Don't jump too hard on the floors of heaven.

I'm working hard to be ready for when you're here.

I love you,

Mom

Fall in love.

I am in love with a man who matches me. I backspaced the previous sentence a lot of times.. I started with "a man who completes me" and tried "a man who is better than I deserve" and "a man who was made for me." But none of those things are true. . .a lot of things complete me as a person (a testimony of the Savior, a desire to help people, a love of artsy things, etc.) and he isn't better than I deserve (Because I am a daughter of God, I deserve to be loved and treated well. Every person does!) and he wasn't made for me (There is no such thing as soulmates. If we were destined for each other, then we wouldn't have the chance to choose each other. . .and love wouldn't be nearly as exciting or rewarding as it is). Finally, I chose the word match. We match. We are happy; we like games; we like clean houses; we like fun colors; we are helping each other move toward Christ a little every day; we like Mexican food; and we like each other. I love him lots and am grateful for him every day. But not every one in the world is in love with a boy or girl right now. . .and I get that. But something I've been thinking about today is this: life itself should be a glorious love affair. If you haven't found something to love in life, find it. Look for things to bring joy and love into your life and heart every day. I love bright colors and clean design. I love well organized rooms. I love little children. I love the feeling of making a difference. I love goals. I love doodles. I love the scriptures. I love powerful literature, words that move you. I love yummy food. I love fresh-baked cookies. I love walking into a house that smells and looks so clean. I love the satisfaction of folded laundry. I love crafting, preserving memories on paper through artistic expression. I love patterns and prints, big jewelry and fun shoes. I love picnics outside and playing tennis. I love learning something I didn't know. I love people- talking to people, listening to people, interacting with people, meeting people. I love pictures- pictures of me, pictures of my family, your pictures on Facebook. I love going to restaurants. I love freshly painted nails. This is my point: Wherever you are, in whatever stage of life you're in, no matter what you are doing, fall in love. Fall in love and stay in love. Your life will not only seem happier, it will be happier. You will find deep delight in just living.

I was inspired when I saw this quote. It moved me. And just so you know: this post is just meant as a little advice for you, but a BIG reminder for me :)

A Marriage Questionnaire

I recently finished the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. I picked up the book in a used bookstore over a year ago when I was searching for textbooks. The copy I have is battered and worn and some of the pages are falling out. I thought the book was overall very good. Written in the 1930's, it is supposedly one of the most influential books of all time (according to one of my professors, it changed his life. i can't actually remember which one said that though...) Nonetheless, it gives practical advice and tips concerning ways to make friends, increase your popularity, win people to your way of thinking, increase your ability to get things done, handle complaints, avoid arguments, and make you both a better speaker and a more entertaining conversationalist. I really enjoyed the language Carnegie used and the little stories and examples he gave to illustrate his points. The last section of the book, Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier, included a questionnaire reprinted from a 1933 article, "Why Marriages Go Wrong," by Emmet Crozier. I would like to share the questionnaire with you because it really made me think of how I can improve my interactions with both my husband and my other friends and associates. Maybe you'll find it interesting as well.

The first section is for husbands. I would really rather not type out all those questions.

Here is the section for wives.

1. Do you give your husband complete freedom in his business affairs, and do you refrain from criticizing his associates, his choice of a secretary, or the hours he keeps?

2. Do you try your best to make your home interesting and attractive?

3. Do you vary the household menu so that he never quite knows what to expect when he sits down to the table?

4. Do you have an intelligent grasp of your husband's business so you can discuss it with him helpfully?

5. Can you meet financial reverses bravely, cheerfully, without criticizing your husband for his mistakes or comparing him unfavourably with more successful men?

6. Do you make a special effort to get along amiably with his mother or other relatives?

7. Do you dress with an eye for your husband's likes and dislikes in colour and style?

8. Do you compromise little differences of opinion in the interest of harmony?

9. Do you make an effort to learn games your husband likes, so you can share his leisure hours?

10. Do you keep track of the day's news, the new books, and new ideas, so you can hold your husband's intellectual interest?

These questions really triggered my thinking as I've pondered lately ways to improve as a wife, a sister, a friend, and a person.